Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A Typical East Colfax Morning

I decided, in my sheer stupidity, to walk up to East Colfax to catch a 15 bus downtown. I was mildly entertained by the 2 discarded "HARDCORE" porno DVD packages on the sidewalk (which I should have gotten a picture of). Sitting near there on the sidewalk was an elderly couple, both likely drunk, I surmised to myself in passing. They eventually made their way over to near me to catch the same bus I caught, which is when the fun began. Watching them attempt to board the bus was when I realized to what an extreme degree that both of these two were absolutely trashed. The wife, somewhere in her mid to late 60s, had long dyed black hair and was trying to push her equally plastered husband who was wheel-chair bound up the small bus ramp into the bus. Of course, she utterly failed at the attempt and steered her husband (I'm assuming they're married) only partly onto the ramp of the bus, leaving one of his wheels hanging off the outer side of the ramp and entrapping him there. He begins swearing up a storm and begins tipping backward and the bottle of Coke on his lap begins spilling all over him, not that he noticed. At that point, rather exasperated, I reach out to catch his wheelchair because his wife was so drunk she was not only incapable of stopping his backward fall, but was herself having a very difficult time staying on her feet. She began stammering uncontrollably behind me (it seems that pushing the wheelchair was the only thing keeping her upright) and flailed wildly until finally falling flat over, emptying her pockets of dollar bills and coins in the process. Another passenger at the bus stop helped her try to stay on her feet which took another 2 or 3 attempts as the old lady kept flopping over on the sidewalk to the loud gasps of passengers on the bus. Eventually the guy realized that he had to hold on to the old lady because there was no way in hell she was going to stand on her own feet.

SO, finally, the drunken couple is on the bus. The old man in the wheelchair, who loudly and repeatedly identified himself as a disabled Vietnam veteran who "had his ass shot off" refused to let the driver buckle him in place ("I jumped out of planes in Vietnam, I can handle a fuckin' bus!") and also refused to wheel himself into the wheelchair area, preferring to sit in the middle of the aisle cussing everyone out around him: "I got my ass and legs shot off in Vietnam for this fuckin' worthless country and you assholes haven't done SHIT!" The only thing keeping him remotely in place was his one hand on the wheel of the chair and his wife's grip on the handles. He swayed back and forth on the bus like a ship on an angry sea cussing everyone out every foot of the way. "This fucking worthless country! I got my ass shot off and what have you done? NOTHING!"

Sooner than later, passengers nearby realized that rationalizing with this old coot was impossible, so they eventually lapsed into silence while he opened his vodka bottle and took a nip. After repeating his sorry lot in life (in which he has no ass or legs even though to me he appeared to have both) umpteen times nearly nonstop all the way into downtown while telling bus riders to get their "asses to Afghanistan, you fuckers," the driver loudly demanded he shut his mouth already with his swearing. Of course, he didn't like that so he bitched back and eventually all but quieted down as the driver was not backing down. I knew these two were going to be getting off before me and I strongly suspected I'd have to help the old man off again. I was right. At 15th and Curtis, they want off. The woman tries to drunkenly wheel the man toward the door (and she can't steer any straighter than she did last time) and wedged him sideways against the coin machine. He, realizing he's stuck, begins cussing her out with a vengeance. Exasperated, and wishing to end it all, I tell her I'll unwedge him so I grab his wheelchair handles and lift his chair into place, while he repeatedly mutters at me, "Thank you, brother" without bothering to see who was behind him. Somehow, the woman's purse gets itself wedged into one wheel so it stops rolling. Sick of the crap, I just lift the back end of the chair and use the front wheels to get his drunken ass off of the bus. I drop them on the sidewalk letting them figure out how to get the purse out of the wheel. To hell with that shit, good riddance.

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